I want to begin this blog with one thing in mind. The safety of my readers. Therefore I will be stating a disclaimer before I even begin. I am going to talk about the feeling all transgender individuals experience known as dysphoria. I in no way intend to trigger anyone or lead anyone to believe that my fight has been any more difficult than anyone else's battle. However, I intend to talk about stuff that could trigger you, the reader, if caution is not taken. I will do my very best to convey to my readers that I am only relaying my experience and the experience's of my family and friends. Names are purposefully omitted to protect parties involved. I hold no responsibility towards any individuals who may be triggered by reading, but in all kindness, I warned you.
So here we go. I am about to analyze one of, in my opinion, the strangest phenomena I have had to experience in my life. Facing my Gender Dysphoria. That feeling that there is something not right about my body looks, feels, smells, etc in some very specific areas of my body. I catch myself asking myself questions like "Why do I hate my penis so much?", "What about my physical body is wrong?", "Why can I not be secure in being a woman and not give little notice to what is between my legs?", and "If I have my bottom surgery will it go away or will it just shift to another part of my body?" I have yet to come up with any solid answers to these and several other nagging questions that I am sure we of the Trans community can all identify with. However, I feel the main point of this blog should revolve around not why we feel the way we do, but how to manage those feelings and thoughts when they happen. These two aspects of how we feel and how we think controlling our behavior seem to go hand in hand half the time and work against each other the next. So in the grand scheme of things, what does one do when they have a dyphoric attack, as I have quite often, that is so strong that the idea of just going to the bathroom or taking a shower is appalling?
This is something that I deal with almost daily. I hate my body. My aversion to my physical genitalia and seemingly insignificant breast size has always been strong. However, over the last several months this dysphoric feeling every time I have to get in the shower and bathe consumes me. I trudge through it only because showering seems to be an extremely necessary part of a hygienic person's day. I am anal retentive about hygiene. In lieu of this need, every time its time to shower this overwhelming feeling of disgust, ill-will, hate, and discontent takes me. I cannot even wash my own genitals. I have cried so hard in the shower, weft on the floor of the bathtub. All because of something that seemed to be so trivial now controls my emotional state of mind.
I am hoping that other transgender people out there can identify with some of what I have talked about so far. I really need to attempt to explain what might just be unexplainable. Why do I feel that way? Short answer; no idea. Long answer; I can analyze it and maybe understand it. So lets analyze. Modern medicine has taught us what happens in the womb of someone who suffers for Gender Dysphoria as I do. I basically have the body of a male and the mind and mental makeup of a female. Obviously, a woman trapped in a man's body would have its issues no matter who you might be. Some would be positive, depending on the female. She might enjoy the experience. However, I have had a far different experience. The most difficult when it come to bedroom activities with my life partner. I hate the fact that the one thing in this world that I want just as much as to be seen as a woman by everyone I meet, is a vagina. I am not quite there yet. Getting close. I have the issue that I cannot make love to my partner the way my mind tells me is correct.
So how do I deal with it. Lately, its been a lot of crying and mountains of social anxiety coupled with not dealing with it at all. Ignoring seems like a good idea at first and then it catches up with you. So here I am dealing with it. Why can't I seem to be able to be OK with my body? Answer: Cause its the wrong one!! Can I learn to be comfortable with it? Nope. Would I ever actually perform self surgery to get rid of it? Nope on that too. I may want to, but...ow. So what do I do? I cry. Inside. Every day. All day. I learn to live with the mental and emotional pain just as I learned to live with the physical pain I have from my back problems. I am, as they say is psychology, conditioning myself. Is conditioning actually dealing with the problem? Not really. It works though. I don't suggest it as a positive behavior, but it is what I do.
What can others do? Find something about your body that you do like every day and put a lot of emphasis on it. I love my butt and my legs and my eyes. So I add emphasis to those areas every day in an attempt to draw attention away from the bulge in my pants or the itty bitty titties I have. Complimenting yourself every day helps too. I like to tell myself "You can do this" in the mirror. In reality, what someone does is really there business and I really don't wanna tell anyone how to handle there problems. I probably didn't help anyone with this rant I have gone on. Maybe I did. Who knows. If I did, I would love to know. There is another peek at me. Peace, Love, Unity, Respect
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